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Rouzer's Blog : VII


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Opinion Article

My Religious Cricket XI:
by Chuck

     I was thinking that as most cricketers are treated as gods in the sub-content I thought I would put my own team together. What religious figure would you put in your all time best team? I have combed all corners of the globe for the best in the business. If these guys were playing they would definitely be unbeatable.

  • 1. Opening batsman – Budda, the big man doesn’t need to run much because he is an expert at crashing the boundaries. His inner peacefulness helps him keep a sane mind after copping ferocious beating from the pope with a wet towel in the locker room. Nickname: Tubby
  • 2. Opening batsman – The Pope, Just so we are clear on this I am talking about the current pope Benedict the XVI. This may seem to be an unusual selection but he has all the qualities which make a great opening batsman. He has a tremendous amount of faith and would have a good relationship with most other members of the team. He is still far enough removed from Budda so he wouldn’t have the man love relationship we are used to seeing with Justin Langer and Matt Hayden. Also was a member of the Hitler youth as a child so has a fiery side. Nickname: 2IC
  • 3. 1st drop – Jesus (Captain), was the son of God and proved to be a great leader in his time. Jesus was also a carpenter so he should be able to make a decent bat for his teammates. If there is a second coming of Christ I will ask for him to perform the miracle of opening the eyes of the Australian selectors so they can see that Shane Watson is shit. Nickname: SOG (Son of God)
  • 4. 2nd drop – Moses- Parted the Red Sea and led the slaves out of Egypt. Hopefully he can lead the team out of the wilderness if there is an early loss of wickets. He was also abandoned in a river as a child by his drug addicted mother (she was paranoid that the Pharaoh of Egypt was trying to kill all the first born Hebrew boys) so has survival instinct. Nickname: The Sheppard
  • 5. 3rd drop – God, Some say he created all of existence in 6 days and then invented the RDO. I say he invented the cover drive and pull shot. He is a master to watch and probably only rivaled by Sachin Tendulkar in terms of batting prowess. Nickname: The Beard
  • 6. 4th drop – Zeus, almost all the same qualities as God but is well know for being a bit more of a ladies man, whereas God fathered a child without actually getting laid while the man with the lightning bolts father about 60 kids. I couldn’t be bothered counting but they are all listed on Wikipedia. Look for this guy to be the rebel of the team and be on the sauce the night before a big game. Nickname: Grandpa
  • 7. 5th drop/wicketkeeper – Father Brendan Smyth, notorious child molester and Catholic Priest. I don’t know any player that would want to face up while this bloke is behind the stumps. He would be able to come up with some good sledges about what he has done to your 10 year old son. He is handy with the bat as well but prefers to call it a paddle. Nickname: Herbert (from family guy)
  • 8. 6th drop/ Leg Spinner – Gandhi, Diminutive India spiritual figure who sent the English imperialistic pig dogs packing with peaceful protests. This would be the first of many times that the English have received an arse kicking by the Indians. Hopefully he can do the same with the ball. Nickname: Paul Kelly
  • 9. 7th drop/Fast Bowler – Dalai Lama, Has started to get on years but as a young man ripped up batting orders all over the Himalayas. Has trained at high altitude for many years and has terrific athletic capability. Also very politically involved in the world stage and has contacts all over the world. Look out for the leg cutter from his holiness, I hear it is a mean bastard that threatens to drive the commies out of Tibet. Nickname: Monkey Magic
  • 10. 8th drop/Fast Bowler- Vishnu, All arms and legs and many batsmen have been utterly confused as to which arm is holding the ball. He has taken a record amount of wickets in the Indian premier league and is credited with inventing reverse swing. Nickname: Tangles
  • 11. 9th drop /Fast Bowler- Satan, I am sure he would bowl like a man possessed and would have devilish speed. I was unsure of his selection because it might unbalance the team dynamic, has a rocky relationship with father son pair of God and Jesus. Nickname: Doesn’t have a nickname, prefers to be called by his adopted name, Trevor
  • 12. 12th man – Brian, Jesus’ twin brother. Same sort thing happening as the Waugh twins. Mark was good but not as good as Steve.
  • I figure since it is never good conversation to talk about Religion or Politics I better make my next team the Politicians XI. Churchill, Howard, Kennedy, Hitler are a few names which might get a mention.



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    Rouzer's Blog : VI


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    Rouzer's Blog : V


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    Rouzer's Blog : IV


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    Rouzer's Blog : III


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